Escape to Paradise: Nova Beach Resort, Bohol's Hidden Gem
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because we're diving headfirst into the world of hotel reviewing, and let me tell you, after a few too many lukewarm airport coffees, I’m ready. We're talking about… (drumroll, please, my inner monologue can't quite find the name of the hotel to put here yet, and I'm too lazy to go back to the prompt! Fine.) … this hotel! Yeah, that’s the one. Here we go. Ready for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Let's hope so, because I haven't showered today.
First Impressions & The Accessibility Angle – (Let's Get Real, Shall We?)
Right, so the very first thing, always, gotta be accessibility. I mean, we’re all getting older, right? And some of us have a little more trouble getting around than others. The prompt mentions a bunch of stuff, so let's roll with it. "Wheelchair accessible." Good. "Elevator." Excellent. Now, if I had a friend, say, Brenda, who uses a wheelchair – bless her heart and her incredible sense of humor – I'd be asking the REALLY important questions. Like, can Brenda actually reach the elevator buttons? Is the pathway to the accessible restaurants smooth? Because let's be honest, sometimes "accessible" means "accessible if you bring your own Sherpa". Double-check those details, folks!
While we’re at it, the "Facilities for Disabled Guests" needs a close inspection. Is it just a ramp and a prayer, or are the rooms thoughtfully designed? Does the bathroom have the grab bars where they actually help? (And not, you know, strategically placed to make you doubt your life choices while trying to navigate a slippery shower stall.)
Accessibility & Getting Connected: A Love Story (Sort Of.)
"Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!" Hallelujah! In this day and age, it should be a freaking right. I mean, I need my streaming, my social media doom-scrolling… you get it. The prompt says "Internet [LAN]" too… alright, if you're old school and have a dedicated Ethernet cable, kudos. But most of us are all about that wireless life. "Internet access – wireless" and "Wi-Fi in public areas" are total necessities. Important for work, checking emails, and, of course, gossiping.
Cleanliness, Safety, and the "Anti-Viral" Thingamajigger
Okay, this is where we get SERIOUS. "Anti-viral cleaning products," "Rooms sanitized between stays," "Daily disinfection in common areas." THANK GOD. In this post-pandemic world, I need to feel safe, even if I'm surrounded by strangers in a hotel. "Hand sanitizer," "Staff trained in safety protocol," and the ever-present "First aid kit" are all reassuring. I'd want to know if there's a real commitment to hygiene, like, do they actually clean the coffee machines? Because let's be honest, those things can be a biohazard.
Dining and Sipping: Because We All Need to Eat (And Possibly Vent)
Alright, the food. This is where hotels often fall flat on their face, and where I become very opinionated. "Breakfast in room"? Yes, please, especially after a night of questionable decisions. "Breakfast [buffet]"? Risky. Buffets are a breeding ground for germ-sharing and, let’s be honest, questionable food selections. I’m dreaming of a "Vegetarian restaurant" and an "International cuisine in restaurant". A "Bar" is an absolute must. "Poolside bar"? YES, please. And even the option for "Alternative meal arrangement" - maybe if I get really, REALLY hangry?
One time, I stayed at a hotel that boasted a "fine dining" restaurant, and the fish was, and I’m using the word carefully here, questionable. Like, if I sneezed, the fish would probably try to escape. Lesson learned: read reviews and maybe pack some protein bars.
Things To Do & Relaxing – (Or at Least Pretending To)
Let's be honest, the "Things to do" section is crucial. "Fitness center" or "Gym/fitness"? Great if you're one of those people who actually uses them (I admire you, you beautiful beasts). “Spa” and “Sauna” are tempting, but let’s get real: I'm more of a "bed and binge-watch Netflix" type of relaxer. I do however, love a good "Massage." Oh, the bliss. The problem? Often they're so expensive, it's like you're paying for the masseuse to judge your stress levels.
The Room Itself: My Personal Fortress
Ah, the room. Now we're talking. "Air conditioning" – essential, unless you’re into a sweaty, sleepless night. "Blackout curtains" – double essential. "Wi-Fi [free]" – you guessed it. Essential! The "Bed" matters, of course; I need a good one to get some sleep. And, and, and, and… the details! "Bathtub"? Yes, please. "Bathrobes"? Luxury. "Coffee/tea maker"? Indispensable. "Mini bar"? Dangerous, but tempting.
OMG, The Bed! A Stream of Consciousness
Okay, so, let’s pretend I actually stayed in this hotel… I’d be really zooming in on a few things. Like, the bed. Oh, the bed. I NEED to know about the bed. Is it a cloud of fluff that whispers sweet nothings? Or is it a torture device disguised as a mattress? The "Extra long bed" is key because I am a human and therefore, I've grown a few inches since I was a child. The "Pillows" - fluffy or flat? The internet access here just better be good, I need to get myself some great entertainment, some good music, maybe put on a podcast? This all needs to be available so I can forget where I am and the life around me. And of course, a "Desk." I need a desk and some serious space to get actual work done, if need be.
Services and the Little Things
"Daily housekeeping" – Praise be! I don't want to have to make my bed when I'm on vacation. That’s the whole point. "Concierge" can be your best friend (or your worst enemy, depending on their mood). "Laundry service" – crucial. "Dry cleaning" - for the fancy people. Consider your lifestyle, your budget and just…the vibes you need, to start.
So, in short…
If I had to rate this hotel based on this prompt? Well, it sounds promising. The core elements of a comfortable stay are there. Like, the bones of a great hotel are visible here. BUT, I'd need more specific real-world details. Does the pool actually look like the picture? Are the staff friendly? Is the Wi-Fi snappy? And most importantly, how's the coffee?
The Sales Pitch (Because I Have to, Apparently)
Hey YOU! Are you tired of cookie-cutter hotels with zero personality and questionable coffee? This Hotel isn't just a place to sleep. It's a vibe. It's a haven. And, guess what? It might actually be a pretty decent place to stay.
(I'd add a real price here, which can change) But seriously, for the price, it has a lot of the things you’d want and need! The promise is there. Book now, because, honestly, the best hotels always fill up fast, especially the ones with the promise of a decent massage.
Word to the Wise: Book with caution, read more reviews, and pray the coffee isn't terrible. This hotel could be a hidden gem, or a slightly disappointing experience. But you will have a bed! But you gotta do your own work, and see for yourself. And please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me about the bed!
Unbelievable Luxury Awaits: Laemthong Hotel Hat Yai!
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because this ain't your grandma's itinerary. This is a Nova Beach Resort, Bohol, Philippines, "maybe-we'll-stick-to-it-maybe-we'll-get-lost-in-the-coconut-husk-and-never-return" itinerary. Let's dive in, shall we?
Nova Beach Resort: A Bohol Boogie (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Sand)
Pre-Trip Ramblings (aka, the freakout stage)
The Dreaded Packing: Okay, real talk. I'm a chronic over-packer. I swear, I packed enough sunscreen to last a nuclear winter. Also, should I bring the sequined sarong? Probably not. But what if there's a party? Decisions, decisions. My anxiety is already starting to froth like a bad latte. Thank god for noise-canceling headphones. And maybe a stiff drink.
The Flight Itself (Cebu Pacific, Wish Me Luck Edition): Anyone who's flown Cebu Pacific knows the drill. Pray for on-time departures. Pray for no delays. Pray for the sanity of everyone around you. Pray for snacks. Actually, forget praying, I'm bringing my own. I've learned my lesson. (Pro tip: pack extra wet wipes. You'll understand later.)
Day 1: Arrival and Beach Bliss (or, the glorious collapse of my meticulously planned schedule)
Arrival at Tagbilaran Airport (TAG) - (approx. 2 pm):
Okay, so the airport is tiny. Adorably tiny. Which is good, because I am absolutely terrible with airports. I'll probably stumble out dazed, blinking into the Bohol sunshine and immediately start sweating. First order of business: locate the pre-booked airport transfer. I'm picturing a charming little van with maybe a pineapple air freshener?
- Reality Check: The van was charming! Mostly. And the pineapple air freshener was intense. Like, your-nose-is-now-in-Bohol-whether-you-like-it-or-not intense.
Check-in at Nova Beach Resort - (approx. 3 pm)
- I'm imagining a breezy lobby with welcome drinks. I'm hoping for a room with a view. I'm praying for air conditioning that actually WORKS.
- *Reality Check: *The welcome drink was potent (thank god!), and the view was… chef's kiss. The AC, on the other hand, was a bit… enthusiastic. Think a gentle, almost imperceptible, breeze. Well, at least it was a beautiful room. I'll take it.
Afternoon: Beach Exploration & Initial Panic over the Sand:
- Okay, the sand. The sand. I’ve always had a… complicated relationship with sand. It gets everywhere. It clings. Still, I'm determined to embrace the beach vibes. Plan: stroll, assess the water (are there tiny, bitey things? I have trust issues), maybe dip a toe in.
- Actual Experience: I walked on the beach. Fell in love with everything. Jumped in. Swallowed water. Panicked. Remembered I can swim. Swam some more. Made friends with a crab. Named him Kevin.
Evening: Sunset Cocktails & Dinner at the Resort Restaurant:
- Sunset cocktails. Yes. I'm thinking a calamansi margarita. Or maybe just several. Dinner? Seafood, obviously. I'll let the ocean be a witness on how hungry I am.
- Actual Experience: The sunset was a painting. The margarita was perfection. My emotional rollercoaster continued. Then, I had a crab. I ate a crab. It was delicious.
Day 2: Island Hopping & Chocolate Hills (aka, the day my camera almost died)
Morning: Island Hopping Adventure! (Approx. 7 AM - Bring your sunscreen!):
- I'm SO EXCITED about the island hopping. Balicasag Island (snorkeling!), Virgin Island (sand bar!), and Pamilacan Island (whale watching – fingers crossed!). I hope I don't get seasick. I might have packed extra ginger candies.
- Actual Experience: The snorkeling was AMAZING. Truly breathtaking. I saw a sea turtle. I almost touched it! (I didn’t, because, respect the turtle.) Virgin Island was also amazing, even though I got sand in every single place. Pamilacan? Sadly, no whales, but the dolphins that had to do. I have plenty of pictures to remind me of these moments. And then my camera battery died. Epic fail. Thank god for phone cameras, I guess.
Afternoon: Chocolate Hills & Tarsier Sanctuary (approx. 1 PM - a car ride of about 1.5-2 hours):
- The Chocolate Hills. The main reason for the vacation. I'm expecting to be awestruck. And maybe slightly overwhelmed. Tarsiers? Adorable little primates. I'm already preparing my "awww" face. I’ve heard the roads are windy. I may need more ginger candy.
- Actual Experience: Okay, the Chocolate Hills? STUNNING. Absolutely breathtaking. The pictures don't do them justice. It was a proper "wow" moment. The Tarsiers, tiny, shy, adorable creatures. I tried to not breathe too loudly. I failed.
Evening: Dinner & Maybe Karaoke? (approx. 7 PM):
- Dinner at a local restaurant. Authentic Filipino food! I’m excited. I'm hoping to try adobo and maybe a bit of lechon. Karaoke? I’m a terrible singer, but I love to sing badly. Potential.
- Actual Experience: The adobo was divine. The lechon… crispy perfection. I was ready to be happy. The Karaoke was, indeed, terrible. I sang a Journey song. The locals tolerated me. I’d call it a win.
Day 3: Relaxation, Exploration, & a Bittersweet Goodbye
Morning: Lazy Beach Day (again!):
- Sleep in (hallelujah!), chill on the beach, read a book, soak up the sun. No plans. Pure, unadulterated relaxation.
- Actual Experience: I did approximately none of those things. I spent all morning in bed. It's still a win in my book.
Afternoon: Optional Activities… (and More Food!):
- Depending on my mood (and energy levels), I might try kayaking, get a massage, or just wander around and see what I find. More food is definitely on the agenda. Probably a last-minute splurge on some souvenirs.
- Actual Experience: Kayaking was delightful. The massage… bliss. Finding a tiny shop selling handmade trinkets. Got some souvenirs. (Who am I kidding? I probably overbought).
Evening: Final Dinner & Departure Prep:
- One last sunset cocktail. One last delicious meal. Sigh. Time to pack and psych myself up for the flight home. I will bring the sequins sarong just in case.
- Actual Experience: One last sunset. One last dinner. Hugs and goodbyes. Already planning my return trip. Next time, I'll learn to pack lighter. Wish me luck, everyone.
Departure Day
Breakfast at the Resort:
- Fill up on everything. The trip is over but the food is still available.
- *Actual Experience: *I just wanted to eat and savor every single thing.
- Fill up on everything. The trip is over but the food is still available.
Airport Transfer:
- Say goodbye to all the nice people.
- *Actual Experience: *Oh man, sad.
- Say goodbye to all the nice people.
Departure:
- This is it. Back home.
- *Actual experience: *I left with a heavy heart. The Philippines and Nova Beach Resort gave me the trip of a lifetime. I will be surely back soon.
- * *
- This is it. Back home.
Notes & Disclaimers:
- This is a flexible itinerary. Things will change. Embrace the chaos.
- Bring bug spray. You're welcome.
- Learn a few basic phrases in Tagalog. It makes a difference.
- Respect the local culture.
- Enjoy yourself, dammit!
- And most importantly: Don't forget your sunscreen (and maybe a sequined sarong, just in case.)
So, What *IS* This Thing, Anyway? (And Should I Care?)
How Do I… Start? Like, Actually *DO* the Thing?
What Are the Biggest Mistakes People Make? (So I Can Avoid Them, Hopefully)
Okay, So, What If I Mess Up? Is There a "Do-Over"?
How Do I Know if I’m “Good Enough”? (Spoiler Alert: You Probably Aren’t)
What's the Most Important Thing I Should Remember? The Golden Rule? The Secret Sauce?
Why am I actually doing this?
